One Year and Five Months Later...

Wow.....  It has been one year and five months since my last post which was actually before the adoption was even finalized...  That's kind of sad...  No, really sad.  But, I recently told someone I USED to blog and they said, "But then you had kids???"  Exactly!  I had kids, and not just one, three at the same time.  I'm not blogging now to cover the last year that I failed to blog.  I just want to share some truths that adoptive parents need to know- not because they don't know, but because they need to know they're not alone.  I've had others ask about the blog because they know someone that is adopting and I've been sad to say that I haven't updated it an incredibly long time.  Now that I think about it, this is probably the best time to update...  Here are the easy truths and the hard truths:

• The easy truth:  We are incredibly blessed!  They are now 6 years, 5 years, and 2 years of age.  They are magnificently adorable, sometimes hard to handle, and extremely loving.  They always want to be around Clif or me and soak up every ounce of tickling possible (even if it really doesn't tickle) and laugh uncontrollably.

• The hard truth:  I've told people I don't really have a desire to go through pregnancy...  While that's true at times, it is completely a lie at other times.  Thankfully I have someone dear to me that is experiencing the same thing and we share in this together which is incredibly helpful and powerful.  It is hard to be around others when the topic of conversation is pregnancy, and naming your child, and all the congrats that go with it.  I will never experience that.  Believe me, most days I am really and truly okay with that.  I do not desire to give birth to a child and can see us adopting again in the future when our kids are older.  But the experience of it all is sad to miss out on at times.  ....  But really, please do not be sad for me!!  I am only sharing the truth because someone else likely feels the same way, and I am fine.  Really.  And this isn't the hardest truth to share, see below...

• The harder truth:  I lied in previous blogs:  "I am in love with these kids!!"  Really, I have found myself waiting to fall in love with my two oldest children.  That's something I heard on a tv show we've been watching lately,  and it rings true.  I think I was in love with the idea of being in love with them.  It is much easier to simply love (without trying) the youngest child since he came to us at such a young age.  It was like we were raising our own biological baby.  When you get two older children they come with so much hurt that you don't know about, so many memories with which you have no connection, so many personality traits that you may not quite understand.  Loving them is a decision we have to make daily.  Some days it is completely easy and natural.  Other days, it is hard and you find yourself (I find myself) getting so angry because it's not natural.  From what I hear from parents of biological children, they sometimes feel the same way.  

• The easy truth:  I love sharing this new life with them!  It is so amazing to see how our families have fully and without condition accepted our children and our decision to adopt.  Our McLendon side of the family celebrated Christmas this year at my grandparents house, as usual, and there were 26 adults (children and grandchildren) and 8 great-grandchildren.  Our kids were a part of those 8...  That's something to be proud of!  The Watts side of the family has played with, laughed with, and loved on these kiddos in so many ways (like making banana pudding with Mimi).  It is a piece of us that they are loving.

• The hard truth:  I sometimes (not as much now as I used to) get sick to my stomach when Hailey brings up her biological parents.  The boys never mention the biological family or even ask questions, at least they haven't *yet*.  I'm sure it is only natural to feel a tinge (or a huge stab) of jealousy.  For a long time I felt uneasy and jealous because I was petrified that the biological family would somehow regain custody of the children.  That really wasn't a possibility, but my crazy mind let it be a possibility.  [Just a quick insert:  Our situation was a little unique in that we met the biological family and were in contact with them for SEVERAL months after the adoption was final.  We eventually decided that was not in the best interest of the children and that, in order to grow as a family, we needed to discontinue contact until the children are old enough to understand and ask to communicate.  I may post more about this topic later.  Sorry, now back to my original topic. End insert.]  I know that we are providing a stable home with lots of love, but I let myself wonder if they miss where they were...  The answer:  Of course they do!  They might not miss the actual situation they were in, but "they miss the idea of their mom and dad" as Clif would say.  Even the foster homes they were in are likely missed.  And I used to wonder if they knew that this was truly their forever home.  Are they happy here?  Were they happier in their last home???  I want to say that it doesn't matter, because this is their home and we are building the memories they will love. I also know that we can't ignore their past.  It is imperative that we allow them to open up and share about their life before us.  It is a part of them just like my arm is a part of my body.

• The harder truth:  There are times when they might say things that hurt you to the core.  Hailey got in trouble not too long ago and was grounded.  I overheard her in her room saying, "I want my other mommy... she wouldn't ground me..."  Not only that, she was cradling the picture of her biological parents.  Yeah, that one hurt.  It also made me angry because I was saying to myself, "Does she even know what they did???!!"  But then I thought about every bad moment I ever had in my life and as I look back, it wasn't bad at all or I think of it as actually being a good time (like a past job that I hated in the moment and cherish now that I'm no longer there, ha!).  That is exactly how it is for her.  And it is probably going to happen again.  I dread the day that I hopefully DO NOT hear, "You're not my real mom."  

• The easy truth:  I know they love us, and we love them.  I also know that, although it may not get "easier", it will get better.  There will be so many tough times.  And there will be so many more great times where we GET to love them, and we HAVE to love them.  God only provides to those what he thinks we can handle.  "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose" -Romans 8:28

Perhaps you are reading this just to read it.  But maybe you are someone going through the EXACT same thing, or can relate in one way or another.  I only write to share with others because we are in this together.  I never set out to adopt so that we could go at it alone.  Adopt.  Love.  Share your story!

Since then

NUMBER 1 THING TO ANNOUNCE:  ADOPTION CONSUMMATION IS TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 2012!!!  On that day, the adoption will be final and the children will legally be ours!!!  Praise God!

It has really been a long time since I last posted.  In fact, it has been almost three months!  So, what has kept me from posting???  Hmm...  In my last post, I basically vented and poured out my heart sharing the not-so-cool thoughts and emotions with which I was struggling.  When I published the post, I got lots of words of encouragement.  But I also received several messages and comments that kind of put me off, perhaps because of my pride issues.  I felt that my words had been misconstrued to mean that I was downright depressed- which was not the case at all.  I also didn't like the "advice" I was getting- the kind of advice you get and you think to yourself "Uh... duh?" and you'd really like to say it out loud, but you don't.  Again, this could very well have been my pride getting in the way of logical reasoning.

"So that's the reason you stopped posting???"  Well, maybe for a little while that was the reason.  But then LIFE happened!  It seemed like every time I thought about blogging, my dear sweet sleep got in the way.  I went back to work in late July preparing my new classroom for this grade level I had never taught.  And then school started.  I wake up early, get the kids where they need to be, work my tail off at school (which I love, by the way), pick up the kids, do whatever after-school things we have to do (which seems to be something every day), eat dinner, put the kids to bed, and then work while in bed before my own sleep time.  Yes, I am exhausted most days!  But it is a great kind of exhaustion (most days).  And I am one very blessed woman to have this amazing husband who evenly shares our workload at home!!!  For goodness sakes, he even helps me with school work at times, even though he is highly disinterested in those things :).

And how is it all going?  Fantastic!  In all my stress and exhaustion, I still could not be more thankful for God's abundant blessings.  I fail every day as a wife, a mom, a teacher, a friend, and yet He pours out His grace so freely.  Many days I find myself wanting to start over as a parent, wondering if Christ was seen in me by our children and realizing that the answer often is "no".  I take for granted that God put us in charge of these children to show them the love He pours out to us.  But then I also have to remember that these really aren't "our" children at all- they belong to Him.  How heavy that is!!  But how awesome it is to know that we can openly share with them that we, too, are sinners, but that God sees through that and loves us unconditionally!

Next week, perhaps I will post about our adoption consummation...  until then, please pray for a smooth and joyful adoption consummation!

Want the nasty truth??

I made the decision when I started this blog to be as honest and real as possible.  Someone, someday, will be in our same position.  Heck, maybe we will be in this position again one day!  And I'll want to look back and remember what it was like.  First, let me begin by saying that there is truly NOTHING to prepare one's self emotionally or physically for going through the adoption of a child/ children.  The following paragraph is an excerpt from my personally journal- where I write things that I just cannot say out loud:

Crying...  that is what I'm down to now.  We've had Hailey, Brian, and Hayden for almost 4 weeks now.  I feel crazy emotionally.  I love them with every ounce that I am and wouldn't take this decision back for anything, but I think now I am broken down.  [before the next sentence, let me clarify that Clif is an AMAZING parent and partner!!!]  Clif is at work all day and I'm here at the house taking care of three children, 4 and under, when I've never had any parenting experience (except for teaching).  We've had lots of good times and lots of times where I feel disconnected, bitter towards others because they all seem fine, and even angry at times, which all makes me feel guilty.  We knew this wouldn't be easy...  This may very well be the most difficult thing I've ever experienced or will ever experience.

I'm lacking so much discipline in my life- I eat constantly, never work out, feel like I'm constantly cleaning but never see the results, rarely read the Word, and talk to God only when I'm driving, which is usually interrupted by children's voices.

God, how do I fix myself?  How can you rebuild me to become the mother I always imagined myself to be??!

It is incredibly difficult to write that and publish it for all the world to see.  But I know that I cannot be the only one in the world who experiences those thoughts.  Here are some things that possibly could have driven me to this low point:

• COURT issues!  Will the judge actually rule that the grandparents have standing?  What if they are taken away from us?  I think Clif and I would just have to move away to a foreign place.
• THREE kids!  I never have any alone time.  This is a HUGE adjustment!
• How can we help them understand that they will be here forever?  I want them to love us more than anything!  What do I say when they bring up "mommy" or grandparents?  
• Is the way I'm parenting best for them?  Have they heard someone say this in the past?  Why do they do this/ that/ the other?  There's so much about them that I've missed out on!
• Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork!  Take notes, fill out med logs, get documentation for doctor's visits, keep calendar documentation...  

Yeah, those could possibly contribute.  And simply, parenting :).  

AND THEN...........

And then it hit me yesterday morning in church:  But WOW!!!  God chose ME as their mother!  HE CHOSE ME.  Woah- it's almost too crazy to believe.  How awesome is HE?!  Every path, every decision I've made and that Clif has made has led to this... and this experience will lead to yet another of God's mighty plans for our lives.  There will be struggles, but having those brief moments of awe that we have been chosen for these kiddos refreshes me and brings life back into this journey.  They have approximately 900 weeks of childhood (so says an article I recently read).  We've missed out on a great number of those weeks with Brian and Hailey.  I pray that these "off" moments where all I can manage to do is cry will be few and far between.  I can't be naive and say they won't happen, but I can be prepared to learn from them.  After all, God has a purpose for everything.

Next time on "Clif and Casey Adopt" I'll be writing about our interesting experience with the kids, especially the conversations we've had with them about their biological family, this forever home, God, and how we've attempted to handle each conversation/ situation.  Stay tuned!

Court- BLAH

I'm just now writing this entry about the court hearing to determine whether the grandparents of our kiddos, who filed first for more visitation and second for custody, actually had standing in the case.  This is Clif's facebook post:

The judge heard the arguments this morning regarding whether or not the grandparents have standing to file in the case. The kid's worker said that she feels like it went well. The judge "took it in advisement" which basically means he wants time to think about it. My limited understanding of the family code leads me to think that he will give the grandparents standing to file and we will go to trial in August, but he could possibly rule that they do not and this can all be over. We are not likely to hear his decision until next week some time. We do know that he asked when the rights were terminated (February 24th) and he followed that up by asking how long the kids have been in care (since July of 2011) and when the grandparents filed (on the 86th day of the 90 they are provided- which looks really bad for them). 

It was one very rough day.  Clif and I left our house by 5:30AM to arrive an hour early at the courthouse.  I was more nervous than I've EVER been on the way there- and that's a long time to experience nervousness.  We were pulled in and out of the courtroom by caseworkers and the CPS lawyer to discuss possible things that may/ may not happen.  Awkward moments definitely took place when both sets of grandparents AND the bio mom showed up and walked right past us.  I mean, do you say "Hi" or pretend they're not there at all???  It was about 11:45 when the hearing actually took place, and it lasted all of 3 minutes!  We drove all the way home only to wait another week before hearing anything.

One for the books...

We've been into parenting for a little over two weeks now.  It's been great, aside from the sickness flowing through our house.  We're all beginning to adjust, thank goodness!  It has been so tiring on so many levels and so emotional on so many levels.  But yesterday was definitely one for the books, and a day that I want to record in more places than one.  It will never be forgotten.

Currently, the biological family (parents and grandparents) have two court-ordered visits a year.  We are bound to those visits and any extra visits are provided according to our discretion.  Yesterday was one of those visits.  We've known that the visit was going to happen for a few weeks now and definitely disagreed that the visit would be appropriate at this crucial and transitional time, however we didn't have much "say-so".  And because the grandparents have filed a petition with CPS in regard to custody of the children (on the 86th day of the 90 they are provided to do so), we decided we needed to do whatever was asked of us (and then some) so that we have as much favor on our side as possible (I'm probably getting all of this legal jargon all wrong- sorry!).

Here's how these visits usually happen:  Foster/ adoptive parents take the children to a specified location and drop the children off 30 minutes AFTER the biological family is present.  If the biological family is any more than 15 minutes late, the foster/ adoptive family is not required to stay and the biological family loses the visit.  The biological family is allowed a certain number of hours to visit and the foster/ adoptive parents then pick up the children.  Both parties can enter and exit without even meeting.

Now, this is where I should back up some and provide a little more info about our situation.  Since discovering that the grandparents (both maternal and paternal) had filed a petition, Clif and I have discussed the possibility of contacting them and attempting to put them at ease.  We both felt that they believed they would never see their grandchildren again.  We were in a difficult position- on one hand we wanted to just hold off and see how things work through the court system, while on the other we wondered if leaving things to "the system" would be in the best interest of any party.  On our way to Dallas, where the visit was held, Clif pipes up and says, "If you're not okay with doing this, just tell me," (which is his way of letting me know he's about to lay out something really important and difficult for me to think about).  Sure enough, he asked if I would be okay with meeting the biological family before or after the visit.  Of course, I will follow Clif in whatever direction he decides to lead our family and believe that he has outstanding intuition when it comes to these matters.

And so, we arrive at the facility at about 9:45, 15 minutes before the designated start time of the visit.  After signing in, we are taken back to a play room where the visit would be held, and waited...  and then we waited some more...  and we kept waiting.  This is where it became even more difficult and my anxiety and exhaustion started to get the best of me.  Clif had Hailey in her lap who watched the door intently and quietly every time she heard a voice from down the hall, only to realize that they were not the people coming to visit her.  30 minutes passed and no one showed.  45 minutes passed and a worker asked if we wanted to continue waiting, and we did.  1 hour later, the paternal grandparents arrived.  The workers brought them back after having asked if they would be okay with meeting us.  Hailey and Brian both ran to them and gave full on hugs.  I continued to hold Hayden while they loved on Hailey and Brian with tears in their eyes and continuous "I love you"s.  We shook hands with the grandparents, introduced ourselves, and Clif briefly said, "We want you to know that we fully intend to adopt these children, but we fully support continued contact and visits between you and your grandchildren."  The grandmother was just overwhelmed with emotion and gratitude, I believe, and even offered us food before we left, but we left quickly and allowed them their visit.  The mother and maternal grandmother still had not shown up when we left.

The family was provided four hours of visitation time.  They arrived one hour late and we agreed to extend the visitation 30 minutes.  In between leaving and picking them up, we were able to eat lunch, attempted sleeping in the van for a bit, and I managed to acquire a migraine like none I have ever had.  Somehow, the visitation time ended quickly.  When we returned to pick up the kids, a worker told us that the biological mom and maternal grandmother wanted to meet us.  We were prepared for this, as prepared as one can be, and had already determined some things that would need to be said, especially with the court now involved.

No, I don't think anyone can prepare for such a thing as meeting the biological family of your prospective children...  especially in our situation.

As soon as we entered, Brian came to us still calling us "Mommy" and "Daddy".  He offered me the flowers we bought for the biological family.  You could tell he didn't really have too much care for what was going on.  All he knew was that he was having a day of playing, eating, and visiting.  Hailey stayed attached to her paternal grandparents.  I don't believe Hayden knew anyone there.  We introduced ourselves to the mother as the prospective adoptive family and she immediately wanted to know if she could have more visits with the children.  Clif began discussing with them all again that we plan to adopt these children and love them unconditionally and that we are scared about what they have filed.  But we also wanted them to know that this will be an open adoption, regardless of what they have been told by CPS.  They didn't even know that the children were together, or that they were in our care.  There were tears all throughout the room.  We heard a little more than what we wanted to hear from the grandparents and from the biological mom.  As one can imagine, they are also fearful of never seeing these children again and angry that they have been taken away.  We assured them as much as we could that we were open to continued visits and contact with the children, but that we would have to wait until after the upcoming hearing to allow these visits/ contact to take place.  Not only that, but we also need an allotted amount of time to bond with the children and create our "normal".

We even allowed the family to walk us out to the van and load up the children.  They all gave teary-eyed hugs and kisses.  The biological mom cried as she hugged Brian and he so gently patted her on the head and said, "It'll be okay.  It'll be okay."  As we drove out of the parking lot, Hailey quietly cried, "Mom" about three times and then was silent.  We asked general questions about the visit, "Did you have fun?", etc.  Brian answered briefly, like it was a visit to the local park.  Hailey didn't speak at all.  And I just cried leaving the parking lot.

There will never be words that can allow me to describe this day.  And no matter how many details I provide, they will never paint the pictures or play the movies that are tattooed on my brain.

Some people may wonder why in the world we would want to meet the family.  Or why we would want to have an open adoption.  But think about your own family- your children, or grandchildren.  If they were taken away from you after having been a part of your life for even a little while, wouldn't you still want to witness them growing up?  Wouldn't you also want them to know you as their grandparents?  We also believe that, while Brian and Hayden may not be affected so much by them, the grandparents mean a great deal to Hailey.  Who are we to deny access to the people she cares about and that care for her so deeply?  It is something we would likely regret many years down the road.

Until next time...  (which will probably be after Thursday, June 7- the hearing date).

One Week In...

Actually, we're a little over one week into our continued adoption journey with the kiddos!  And boy have we experienced parenting!  I posted just a few days ago about day to day life.  We are definitely in the swing of a normal routine and Clif and I are less emotionally and physically exhausted with each passing day.  Our bodies are beginning to develop an understanding that we have three children that need to be cared for each and every day.

Last week Brian developed a rough cough that just wouldn't go away.  So, we decided that a doctor's visit was necessary.  I braved a doctor's visit with ALL THREE children!  It was interesting for sure!  Thankfully, we were the only ones there as we waited in the lobby area.  Of course, I had to fill out about 8 pages of paperwork while we waited (which probably looks to the receptionist like one of the kids had completed instead of me).  It was a new office that had not even ONE toy or children's activity.  So what's a kid to do when there's nothing to play with?  Run, of course, hahahaha!  And that's exactly what my children decided to do.  I tried to bring in a couple of toys from the van, while still managing to watch the children AND fill out paperwork.  But, who wants familiar toys in such a new environment where there's space to run?  And water fountains to play with?  Ha!  Whatever, mom!  ;)  We finally went back and got settled into a room and the nurse probed Brian, who was pretty cooperative, but curious about all of the interesting little gadgets.  The doctor who came in was fantastic- patient and playful with the kiddos, thorough, and honest.  His diagnosis:  congestion.  Good to know that we've been doing what parents should be doing with congested kiddos :).  He is completely over his cold and has the energy to show it!

A few days later, Hayden began running fever.  He is teething right now and chewing on EVERYTHING (I have bruises to prove it), and a slight fever is normal.  Two days ago, the fever increased and he began coughing with a runny nose to follow.  Clif took him to the emergency room Sunday evening.  After breathing treatments, a couple of antibiotics, and some tender love and care, he is almost back to normal.  Just sleepy, grumpy, and still teething :).

I have been running a slight fever for at least 4 days now.  A soar throat has come and gone here and there, but overall, I'm making it through the days- tired, of course.  Hailey also has caught the fever and cough, but is getting better.

Perhaps we are all experiencing some sort of stress as we transition into our new normal.  I'd like to think that we are being broken down and rebuilt in a way that will mold our family to what God has intended it to be.  We are learning to trust each other in times when we are not just sad or lonely, but in times when we are truly sick.  And when we feel better, we are all there to bask in the joy that comes with healthiness.

We are still continuing to pray for restful sleep and continued bonding experiences.

Day to Day Life

We've been here at home with the kiddos for one full week now!  Things are going really well- not easy, but well :).  So many people ask the really important question, "How are they sleeping?"  Why is that important?  Because if they're not sleeping, neither are we.  We are blessed to have three children come from a fantastic foster home that had them on a consistent bedtime routine.  All three go to bed without too much complaining and sleep through the night easily.  In addition to that, they also take naps without question (for the most part).  It has been fairly easy to determine a daily schedule, but of course not as easy to stick to or conquer :).  The first couple of days were simply an extension of what our weekend was like when they had their first home visit- but we weren't nearly as exhausted.  Of course, I like to think that the two of us make a pretty awesome team when it comes to parenting.  As the weekend passed and the work week approached, I began thinking about what our weeks would look like when Clif went to work and I became a "stay-at-home" mom for the summer.  Yes, I have to admit, I was pretty anxious about my first day with the kiddos without Clif's help.  Our first day alone went surprisingly well...  okay, well, that's excluding the hassle of trying to lure Sampson out of the van before leaving for the park, and Brian's unfortunate potty accident at the park (let's just say that he has one less pair of underwear haha!), and our return to dirty diaper trash shredded across the floor by our dog.  Yes, other than those things, the day was surprisingly easy.  I now have a daily-ish schedule and we're rockin' and rollin' with it- for the most part, ha!

The kiddos are all adjusting so well.  Hailey (4) has called us "Mommy" and "Daddy" from the first weekend we met.  She tested limits the first couple of days she was here, but is slowly beginning to see that our "No" means no.  She is also opening up more when we have serious discussions with her about certain behaviors.  For example, the first few times I would ask her to stop doing something (minor things like "Don't slam the door") she would stand there and stare at us without saying anything.  I coached her to simply say, "Okay" and follow through.  She is doing just that now!  She is full of random "I love you"s and is so proud to be the big sister who is clean and follows rules and takes on as much responsibility as she can- like feeding the dogs.  Hailey pants is smart and catches on to things SO quickly.  She has only brought up her biological family a couple of times over the week as she is trying to figure all of this out.

Brian (3)...  oh Brian :).  If a child's attention span could be any shorter, it might be nonexistent haha!  He is energetic, FULL of love!!!, and wants to be heard.  He can move from one activity to the next in a matter of seconds and needs complete eye contact before he truly listens to what you are asking of him.  He can hear you, of course, but he definitely may not be listening.  Brian is a "momma's boy"!  And this momma LOVES it!  I'm a sucker for him :).  Today he ran up to me and said, "Wanna give you a kiss momma Casey".  :*)  UGH!!!  Does it get any better than that?!?!  He repeats everything, and I mean everything!  Sometimes he will come up to us and say, "Momma Casey/ Daddy Clif... gasdlkfjwoeijfafjd".  Nope, we don't know what he's saying either lol.  He just wants to know that we're listening.

Hayden (1) is...  there are no words to describe.  I could just eat him up!  He has been AWESOME!  He sleeps through the night and takes naps on a relatively normal schedule.  He eats, eats, and then eats some more.  He's crawling like a maniac and is SO close to walking.  His bright blue eyes stare at me just as he's falling asleep and I just can't imagine my life without him.  The past few days he's been a little cranky because he's teething :/.  But I don't care- I'll take a cranky baby any day over no baby at all.  And when he's happy, smiling, and laughing, it's all worth it.

Yes, we are EXHAUSTED!  Our bodies are definitely adjusting right now to this huge life change.  But, that's to be expected.  Not only that, we also have many things on our minds and are praying that these children stay in our lives permanently.  Just the thought of having them taken away is devastating.    So I will spend every minute cherishing them and pouring into them, even if just for a while.  Thank you, God, for these children!