Crying... that is what I'm down to now. We've had Hailey, Brian, and Hayden for almost 4 weeks now. I feel crazy emotionally. I love them with every ounce that I am and wouldn't take this decision back for anything, but I think now I am broken down. [before the next sentence, let me clarify that Clif is an AMAZING parent and partner!!!] Clif is at work all day and I'm here at the house taking care of three children, 4 and under, when I've never had any parenting experience (except for teaching). We've had lots of good times and lots of times where I feel disconnected, bitter towards others because they all seem fine, and even angry at times, which all makes me feel guilty. We knew this wouldn't be easy... This may very well be the most difficult thing I've ever experienced or will ever experience.
I'm lacking so much discipline in my life- I eat constantly, never work out, feel like I'm constantly cleaning but never see the results, rarely read the Word, and talk to God only when I'm driving, which is usually interrupted by children's voices.
God, how do I fix myself? How can you rebuild me to become the mother I always imagined myself to be??!It is incredibly difficult to write that and publish it for all the world to see. But I know that I cannot be the only one in the world who experiences those thoughts. Here are some things that possibly could have driven me to this low point:
- COURT issues! Will the judge actually rule that the grandparents have standing? What if they are taken away from us? I think Clif and I would just have to move away to a foreign place.
- THREE kids! I never have any alone time. This is a HUGE adjustment!
- How can we help them understand that they will be here forever? I want them to love us more than anything! What do I say when they bring up "mommy" or grandparents?
- Is the way I'm parenting best for them? Have they heard someone say this in the past? Why do they do this/ that/ the other? There's so much about them that I've missed out on!
- Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork! Take notes, fill out med logs, get documentation for doctor's visits, keep calendar documentation...
Yeah, those could possibly contribute. And simply, parenting :).
AND THEN...........
And then it hit me yesterday morning in church: But WOW!!! God chose ME as their mother! HE CHOSE ME. Woah- it's almost too crazy to believe. How awesome is HE?! Every path, every decision I've made and that Clif has made has led to this... and this experience will lead to yet another of God's mighty plans for our lives. There will be struggles, but having those brief moments of awe that we have been chosen for these kiddos refreshes me and brings life back into this journey. They have approximately 900 weeks of childhood (so says an article I recently read). We've missed out on a great number of those weeks with Brian and Hailey. I pray that these "off" moments where all I can manage to do is cry will be few and far between. I can't be naive and say they won't happen, but I can be prepared to learn from them. After all, God has a purpose for everything.
Next time on "Clif and Casey Adopt" I'll be writing about our interesting experience with the kids, especially the conversations we've had with them about their biological family, this forever home, God, and how we've attempted to handle each conversation/ situation. Stay tuned!
All I can say is that we know how you feel. We don't choose the children, the Good Lord chooses US.... My wife have had many of the same conversations and thoughts you are having. Hand and turn it over to God... He will always guide you and Clif. Many times, I hear from people that the children are so lucky/blessed to have us as parents.... I say we are so lucky to have them. The LOVE is limitless... You guyz are so awesome and are in for a journey of a lifetime. I wouldn't change a thing in my life and my parents unrelentless love humbles me to this day. God Bless... JM
ReplyDeleteCasey, you and Clif have been so open and have shared this experience with all of us. And I feel blessed to be connected in this way. But in doing so, you have kind of put yourself in a fish bowl for all to see. We all anxiously wait each day to see new pictures and hear more stories and we all pray, pray and pray. We are thrilled that God has blessed you and these kids in this way, and we are all in awe at how you have handled this and what wonderful parents you have become (without much practice). No parent ever feels adequate for the day to day call to parenting. You have nothing to prove to anyone. Your job is to love God, love your husband, love yourself and love your children. Please remember the love yourself part, ask for help, take care of yourself. Taking care of yourself will help make those 900 weeks of childhood even better for your sweet kiddos. Love you!
ReplyDeleteThings will get better guys. Im sure theres lots of emotions going around. You have three different children with three completely different personalities, and Im sure it drives you completely nuts at times dealing with all of it, but our family stress sometimes I think are God's romantic comedies, lol. Sometimes its best to just sit back and roll with the punches. Ive had my share of all of it, court included. Court in May was probably the worst day in my life. I cried, cried, and cried some more. The night before, in court, the rest of the week. All because of the possibility that I might lose my son. Now out of all the horrible things that have happened to me in my life, the ONE thing that made my top, worst day ever, was the day of court, lol. Just the one chance that I could have lost him made the top. Its amazing what kind of emotions children can bring on. They change you as a person, inside and out. You guys both seem to be amazing parents, and the one thing that you have on each others side is your Faith in God. So many people lack that, and Faith, true Faith defines who we are and where we stand. Let me give you some advice, the best that I can give, even though Im guilty of it myself. But sometimes its easier to give advice than to get it, but anyways, Im rambling. The best advice I can give both of you is to write down ALL the stressful things that you are coping with. Talk to the Lord about each and every one of those things individually, and ask him to bear your burdens. Its what he wants us to do. He doesnt want us having all these stressful times, heavy burdens, and complications in life. The same as you all would do for YOUR children. Your on the right path, and you all are doing an excellent job. Just love them the way HE loves us, and they'll grow up just fine ;)
ReplyDeleteMichael Norman