We've been into parenting for a little over two weeks now. It's been great, aside from the sickness flowing through our house. We're all beginning to adjust, thank goodness! It has been so tiring on so many levels and so emotional on so many levels.
But yesterday was definitely one for the books, and a day that I want to record in more places than one. It will never be forgotten.
Currently, the biological family (parents and grandparents) have two court-ordered visits a year. We are bound to those visits and any extra visits are provided according to our discretion. Yesterday was one of those visits. We've known that the visit was going to happen for a few weeks now and definitely
disagreed that the visit would be appropriate at this crucial and transitional time, however we didn't have much "say-so". And because the grandparents have filed a petition with CPS in regard to custody of the children (on the 86th day of the 90 they are provided to do so), we decided we needed to do whatever was asked of us (and then some) so that we have as much favor on our side as possible (I'm probably getting all of this legal jargon all wrong- sorry!).
Here's how these visits usually happen: Foster/ adoptive parents take the children to a specified location and drop the children off 30 minutes AFTER the biological family is present. If the biological family is any more than 15 minutes late, the foster/ adoptive family is not required to stay and the biological family loses the visit. The biological family is allowed a certain number of hours to visit and the foster/ adoptive parents then pick up the children. Both parties can enter and exit without even meeting.
Now, this is where I should back up some and provide a little more info about our situation. Since discovering that the grandparents (both maternal and paternal) had filed a petition, Clif and I have discussed the possibility of contacting them and attempting to put them at ease. We both felt that they believed they would never see their grandchildren again. We were in a difficult position- on one hand we wanted to just hold off and see how things work through the court system, while on the other we wondered if leaving things to "the system" would be in the best interest of any party.
On our way to Dallas, where the visit was held, Clif pipes up and says, "If you're not okay with doing this, just tell me," (which is his way of letting me know he's about to lay out something really important and difficult for me to think about).
Sure enough, he asked if I would be okay with
meeting the biological family before or after the visit.
Of course, I will follow Clif in whatever direction he decides to lead our family and believe that he has outstanding intuition when it comes to these matters.
And so, we arrive at the facility at about 9:45, 15 minutes before the designated start time of the visit. After signing in, we are taken back to a play room where the visit would be held,
and waited... and then we waited some more... and we kept waiting. This is where it became even more difficult and my
anxiety and
exhaustion started to get the best of me. Clif had Hailey in her lap who watched the door intently and quietly every time she heard a voice from down the hall, only to realize that they were not the people coming to visit her. 30 minutes passed and no one showed. 45 minutes passed and a worker asked if we wanted to continue waiting, and we did.
1 hour later, the paternal grandparents arrived. The workers brought them back after having asked if they would be okay with meeting us. Hailey and Brian both ran to them and gave full on hugs. I continued to hold Hayden while they loved on Hailey and Brian with tears in their eyes and continuous "I love you"s. We shook hands with the grandparents, introduced ourselves, and Clif briefly said, "We want you to know that we fully intend to adopt these children, but we fully support continued contact and visits between you and your grandchildren." The grandmother was just overwhelmed with emotion and gratitude, I believe, and even offered us food before we left, but we left quickly and allowed them their visit. The mother and maternal grandmother
still had not shown up when we left.
The family was provided four hours of visitation time. They arrived one hour late and we agreed to extend the visitation 30 minutes. In between leaving and picking them up, we were able to eat lunch, attempted sleeping in the van for a bit, and I managed to acquire a migraine like none I have ever had. Somehow, the visitation time ended quickly. When we returned to pick up the kids, a worker told us that the biological mom and maternal grandmother wanted to meet us. We were prepared for this, as prepared as one can be, and had already determined some things that would need to be said, especially with the court now involved.
No, I don't think anyone can prepare for such a thing as meeting the biological family of your prospective children... especially in our situation.
As soon as we entered, Brian came to us still calling us "Mommy" and "Daddy". He offered me the flowers we bought for the biological family. You could tell he didn't really have too much care for what was going on. All he knew was that he was having a day of playing, eating, and visiting. Hailey stayed attached to her paternal grandparents. I don't believe Hayden knew anyone there. We introduced ourselves to the mother as the prospective adoptive family and she immediately wanted to know if she could have more visits with the children. Clif began discussing with them all again that we plan to adopt these children and love them unconditionally and that we are scared about what they have filed. But we also wanted them to know that this will be an open adoption, regardless of what they have been told by CPS. They didn't even know that the children were together, or that they were in our care. There were tears all throughout the room. We heard a little more than what we wanted to hear from the grandparents and from the biological mom. As one can imagine, they are also fearful of never seeing these children again and angry that they have been taken away. We assured them as much as we could that we were
open to continued visits and contact with the children, but that we would have to wait until after the upcoming hearing to allow these visits/ contact to take place. Not only that, but we also need an allotted amount of time to bond with the children and create our "normal".
We even allowed the family to walk us out to the van and load up the children. They all gave teary-eyed hugs and kisses. The biological mom cried as she hugged Brian and he so gently patted her on the head and said, "It'll be okay. It'll be okay." As we drove out of the parking lot, Hailey quietly cried, "Mom" about three times and then was silent. We asked general questions about the visit, "Did you have fun?", etc. Brian answered briefly, like it was a visit to the local park. Hailey didn't speak at all. And I just cried leaving the parking lot.
There will never be words that can allow me to describe this day. And no matter how many details I provide, they will never paint the pictures or play the movies that are tattooed on my brain.
Some people may wonder why in the world we would want to meet the family. Or why we would want to have an open adoption. But think about your own family- your children, or grandchildren. If they were taken away from you after having been a part of your life for even a little while, wouldn't you still want to witness them growing up? Wouldn't you also want them to know you as their grandparents? We also believe that, while Brian and Hayden may not be affected so much by them, the grandparents mean a great deal to Hailey. Who are we to deny access to the people she cares about and that care for her so deeply? It is something we would likely regret many years down the road.
Until next time... (which will probably be after Thursday, June 7- the hearing date).
