The Grand Design...

So, I haven't really shared too much, mainly because Casey and I have been processing all of our thoughts between each other and our closest circles of supports, but I guess now is as good a time as any to let you in on my perspective and thoughts of all this adoption stuff.

For me, the thoughts of adopting entered my mind a long time ago, probably as far back to when I was about 12 years old.  I can remember thinking about how great a dad I had and all the fun things we used to do and for some reason I always imagined that I would take a child that did not have that life and would give it to them.  It goes back a bit farther though.  When I was very young I wanted to be a Navy SEAL.  I wanted to be big and strong like my dad and I wanted to be revered when I walked into a room as a man that had been tested to the end of physical limit and survived to tell about it, which is what a Navy SEAL is.  They are tough, strong, smart, deadly, decisive and refuse to give up even at the cost of their own lives.  My dad always pushed me away from that desire and pushed me towards helping people and reminded me often that he had dedicated me to the Lord as an infant, as one to be used by Him in whatever capacity He saw necessary.  Daddio told me of other professions and gave me insight into the fact that there are other worthwhile things that I could invest my life in that would be just as impactful, if not more so, as killing bad guys.  My mom showed me how to nurture and love unconditionally and even taught me how to make the best dag yum scrambled eggs on the planet (which benefits me to this day).  I was a truly blessed child with wonderful parents!  I ignored their input for as long as I could, until I was twelve years old and diagnosed with type one diabetes and began learning to poke and prod myself each day in order to manage a disease that was said to take years off of my life if I did not manage it well.  I was told that I would go blind, lose limbs, have to be on dialysis and could even die at an early age of heart attack or stroke, and even got the unfortunate but educating privilege to see the ill effects of diabetes on my paternal grandfather (among other health problems he had).  As a newly diagnosed diabetic my twelve year old plans of conquering the world as a Navy SEAL were squashed as I knew that the military would reject me as damaged goods and of no use to them, especially to the world's elite fighting forces. 

My heart was a bit broken at the crumbling of my short lived dream, but I began to spawn new dreams and ideas about what Clif the Third's life would be all about.  I had no idea of God's Sovereignty at that point, but it was surely at work in my life (how could it not be?).  Another thing I remember vividly growing up was the age of everyone in my immediate family when they were baptized...9 years old.  When I turned 9 I felt like everyone was waiting on me to make the scary walk down the isle and the confession of Jesus as my Savior and that my life was forever to be different at 9 years of age.  Well, my dad told me that my Salvation was not pressed by time, but that when it was time that I would know, and that the feeling I got would have nothing to do with it, but the movement of my heart would deviate towards Christ and nothing else would satisfy the longing of my soul. Daddio was right, and at 12 years of age I had a true head knowledge and a heart longing to worship and follow Jesus the Nazarene as my Savior.  Life would still bring struggles (and it surely has), but living by the principles of Biblical faith and the understanding that Jesus is the great High Priest that has made things right between me and the Creator of the Universe, my REAL dad, is what is most important.  It is at this point that I began to think about adoption (in a very superficial sense) with the realization that I was adopted by God and am now his son, forever, and always.  I felt, for some reason, as I began to think about this that I would one day adopt my son or daughter and do my dead level best to give them the best life had to offer.

The fact that my generation and the generations after me are increasingly growing up without fathers has been a constant and ashamedly unnoticed part of my professional life thus far.  Fatherhood was a frequent conversation when I worked at Cho-Yeh

Before Casey and I got married I remember a conversation we had about kids and I asked her if she would be upset if we were for some reason unable to have our own child and she said to me, "Yeah, I'd be a little upset, but I'd get over it and we could adopt."  I was even more sure of my choice to put a rock on that pretty little finger.  I do a lot of reading and self diagnosing when it comes to diabetes and I did not know for sure, but I felt for some reason that something just wasn't right when it came to my reproductive system.  The process was working fine, but the end result was not what it should be (I apologize if this is too much info, I am openly sharing and you can feel free to stop reading at this point and know that I am happy to be adopting and am super excited about being a dad, but if you choose to keep reading know that it may get uncomfortable for you :-)......for those that are brave, let us continue...I began reading about sexual problems of diabetics and came across something known as retrograde ejaculation which basically means that when a person with this condition ejaculates, it goes into his bladder instead of being expelled.  I didn't want kids as a newly married man, so I didn't get too concerned at that point.  After about a year of being married, Casey decided to stop taking her birth control.  This was not necessarily to get pregnant, but knowing that this was a possibility, we felt ready and willing to add to our family if it was in the cards.  The longer we went and Casey did not get pregnant, the more concerned she got each month and the more anxious I felt about my ability to reproduce and the dread of the pain that I was sure it would cause my wife.  Conversation about this was a bit slow between us at first as we were both keeping our thoughts inside our hearts and minds.  We decided that I would go to the doctor since I was pretty sure I was the problem in this equation.  I did so and I had a wonderful doctor in my town give me confidence that he can almost guarantee that he can get my wife pregnant (HEY! WAIT A MINUTE BUDDY!!!) and he assured me that the problem we are having is due to my diabetes.  He explained that one of the first displays of long term diabetes is nerve damage and he explained and showed me in vivid and graphic detail of the muscles involved and that if necessary they could electrocute my nether regions and preform a simple procedure on Casey to get her pregnant.  Wam Bam thank you ma'am.  He also informed me that depending on the day and how my body is that we could get pregnant naturally with no outside assistance.  This was good news to me, but I wasn't to excited about the procedure.  Casey and I began truly considering our options and I expressed my feelings about adoption and the great need of homes for the over 10,000 kids in foster care in Texas alone.  Casey was in agreement.  We sort of held on the the possibility of both having our own child and also adopting, but as time progressed we began to get excited about adopting OUR OWN child.  We began to see the Biblical perspective of adoption and understand that the child we adopt WILL BE OUR CHILD!

So, it is getting late and the post could be never ending, but it is a bit of the background of my personal reasons and motivation for adopting.  I will try to be more brief in future posts.

And the decision is made...

Two years into marriage, and we start thinking, "Yeah, let's add to our family."  And that's where the journey begins.  I'll save you from all the boring, intimate details and just say that we had no luck of conceiving for two years.  As time continued to pass, Clif and I sought medical council on the matter.  It turned out that although it is not impossible for us to conceive on our own, it is unlikely.  At that point, doctors assured us that "they could get us pregnant".  So we began to think about what would be the best decision for us.

We knew early on in our marriage that we wanted to adopt at some point in our life together.  The more I thought about us being probed and prodded in order to *possibly* create a child together, the more disinterested I became.  And the more disinterested I became in that process, the more interested I became in the adopting.   For a few months I struggled with these two options and Clif patiently and lovingly listened and assured me as my mind continuously pondered a multitude of questions...

"Should we get help from doctors now and adopt if we cannot conceive?"  "Should we go ahead and adopt and hope for a child of our own in the future?"  "Will I regret not seeking help from doctors?"  "Will I regret NOT adopting now?"

Finally, I poured out all my thoughts and turned it over to the One who is beyond capable of hearing about and handling our greatest predicaments.   Soon thereafter, a great sea of hope, prayer, and encouragement surrounded me through a great group of ladies for which I will forever be thankful.  I came to realize that no decision here could be a "bad" decision. And whatever we decided would be righteous in God's eyes.  Either way, through adoption or not, we would be raising a child that will be loved unconditionally.

Soon thereafter, Clif and I attended an information meeting about adoption.  We both started gravitating more and more towards this option feeling very confident that there is a child out there right now who needs a home and needs our love.   We began searching for others around us that may have gone through the adoption process to help us understand the process and all that adoption entails.  Suddenly, it seemed as though we were surrounded by people who had either adopted or had been adopted.  Little time passed before we completed and turned in a preliminary application to begin the adoption process.  Even in completing this application, we found ourselves falling more in love with bringing a child into our home to raise.

We are now in the process of completing a formal application, which is quite lengthy.  Our excitement surpasses what any words could express.  We are filled with peace and joy in our decision to grow our family through adoption.  Although we know that difficult times will come about as we raise this child now awaiting our love, we are able to bask in the great love and mercy of our Father and the support of family and friends with which He has so blessed us.

And so the decision is made!