- The easy truth: We are incredibly blessed! They are now 6 years, 5 years, and 2 years of age. They are magnificently adorable, sometimes hard to handle, and extremely loving. They always want to be around Clif or me and soak up every ounce of tickling possible (even if it really doesn't tickle) and laugh uncontrollably.
- The hard truth: I've told people I don't really have a desire to go through pregnancy... While that's true at times, it is completely a lie at other times. Thankfully I have someone dear to me that is experiencing the same thing and we share in this together which is incredibly helpful and powerful. It is hard to be around others when the topic of conversation is pregnancy, and naming your child, and all the congrats that go with it. I will never experience that. Believe me, most days I am really and truly okay with that. I do not desire to give birth to a child and can see us adopting again in the future when our kids are older. But the experience of it all is sad to miss out on at times. .... But really, please do not be sad for me!! I am only sharing the truth because someone else likely feels the same way, and I am fine. Really. And this isn't the hardest truth to share, see below...
- The harder truth: I lied in previous blogs: "I am in love with these kids!!" Really, I have found myself waiting to fall in love with my two oldest children. That's something I heard on a tv show we've been watching lately, and it rings true. I think I was in love with the idea of being in love with them. It is much easier to simply love (without trying) the youngest child since he came to us at such a young age. It was like we were raising our own biological baby. When you get two older children they come with so much hurt that you don't know about, so many memories with which you have no connection, so many personality traits that you may not quite understand. Loving them is a decision we have to make daily. Some days it is completely easy and natural. Other days, it is hard and you find yourself (I find myself) getting so angry because it's not natural. From what I hear from parents of biological children, they sometimes feel the same way.
- The easy truth: I love sharing this new life with them! It is so amazing to see how our families have fully and without condition accepted our children and our decision to adopt. Our McLendon side of the family celebrated Christmas this year at my grandparents house, as usual, and there were 26 adults (children and grandchildren) and 8 great-grandchildren. Our kids were a part of those 8... That's something to be proud of! The Watts side of the family has played with, laughed with, and loved on these kiddos in so many ways (like making banana pudding with Mimi). It is a piece of us that they are loving.
- The hard truth: I sometimes (not as much now as I used to) get sick to my stomach when Hailey brings up her biological parents. The boys never mention the biological family or even ask questions, at least they haven't *yet*. I'm sure it is only natural to feel a tinge (or a huge stab) of jealousy. For a long time I felt uneasy and jealous because I was petrified that the biological family would somehow regain custody of the children. That really wasn't a possibility, but my crazy mind let it be a possibility. [Just a quick insert: Our situation was a little unique in that we met the biological family and were in contact with them for SEVERAL months after the adoption was final. We eventually decided that was not in the best interest of the children and that, in order to grow as a family, we needed to discontinue contact until the children are old enough to understand and ask to communicate. I may post more about this topic later. Sorry, now back to my original topic. End insert.] I know that we are providing a stable home with lots of love, but I let myself wonder if they miss where they were... The answer: Of course they do! They might not miss the actual situation they were in, but "they miss the idea of their mom and dad" as Clif would say. Even the foster homes they were in are likely missed. And I used to wonder if they knew that this was truly their forever home. Are they happy here? Were they happier in their last home??? I want to say that it doesn't matter, because this is their home and we are building the memories they will love. I also know that we can't ignore their past. It is imperative that we allow them to open up and share about their life before us. It is a part of them just like my arm is a part of my body.
- The harder truth: There are times when they might say things that hurt you to the core. Hailey got in trouble not too long ago and was grounded. I overheard her in her room saying, "I want my other mommy... she wouldn't ground me..." Not only that, she was cradling the picture of her biological parents. Yeah, that one hurt. It also made me angry because I was saying to myself, "Does she even know what they did???!!" But then I thought about every bad moment I ever had in my life and as I look back, it wasn't bad at all or I think of it as actually being a good time (like a past job that I hated in the moment and cherish now that I'm no longer there, ha!). That is exactly how it is for her. And it is probably going to happen again. I dread the day that I hopefully DO NOT hear, "You're not my real mom."
- The easy truth: I know they love us, and we love them. I also know that, although it may not get "easier", it will get better. There will be so many tough times. And there will be so many more great times where we GET to love them, and we HAVE to love them. God only provides to those what he thinks we can handle. "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose" -Romans 8:28
Perhaps you are reading this just to read it. But maybe you are someone going through the EXACT same thing, or can relate in one way or another. I only write to share with others because we are in this together. I never set out to adopt so that we could go at it alone. Adopt. Love. Share your story!
